trans.tex


«Daxi, i'm afraid to write about trans girls. i'm afraid i can't capture what it is to be one---but not what it is to be all, yeah? i'm afraid

«Daxi, i'm afraid people won't think i'm being authentic. but i don't care about authenticity, deary, all i care about is sincerity,     all i care about is trans girls.

«Daxi, i'm afraid i am a trans girl. When i was small, a boy, i knew i was a boy; there was no need to say «i am a boy», to think or justify or whatever---i just was.

«i think it's because my parents didn't parent that i didn't have to deal with the conditions of a parent's love. there was no love. there were no conditions. so i had no gender, no nothing. i was only me.

«then i started transitioning physically. it was hard to care at first. i didn't care about gender. i didn't know what authenticity was. i was. until the boys stopped

«treating me

«right. the boys stopped treating me the same as everyone else. i thought they were different. and we were. still tight, at that point. we still did whack shit. until

«i had to start transitioning socially. even i had to become human. even

«sorry.

«i shouldn't

«Daxi, do you remember lainchan? i remember somebody posting that i would either transition or kill myself by 21. when that age rolled around i was astounded i was still alive. i was so happy i almost jumped off a bridge.

«i just wanted to be Bowie, Daxi. i always felt like i wanted to be a girl in the way a boy wanted to be a girl. i wanted to be a boy, approaching girl. i wanted to be a girl, right? so how could i be a boy?

«so how could i jump off that bridge?

«his death shook it. it shook me when he died---that boy, Bowie---, Daxi.

«Daxi, it's so terrifying being an old woman. i'm not there yet. but i'm not a woman, i'm still a boy, so old and young kind of feel the same.

«it astounds me that i can be alive. that the universe has allowed me to keep living after i died. that boy that's me.

«i guess there is no me, is there?»